What's that? Oh you didn't know that every single day I almost succumb to a neurotic breakdown? Or that every single night for the last 4 years I've gone to sleep with thoughts of fear and distaste for the choices I made that day?
I don't know if I'm unique in this or if I just talk about it more openly than others. I think we're all messed up inside to one degree or another, but I don't really know to what degree. All I know is this is terrible.
There was a couple of interesting things people said about me today
"You radiate happiness"
Well that's pretty cool. I'm that insecure that that makes a huge impact on me, and it also explains why I seem to get the work that I do get. Which is pretty cool.
"You have something beneath the surface"
Yes, yes I do. She was responding to me expressing my desire to learn how to dance. But past that. Yes. I have a lot bubbling below. And it's stopping me, it's crippling me, and it's just plain annoying.
I guess the question I have is Depression the same as apathy? Cause I don't understand anything about life and I can't seem to make it matter. Is it bad that the fantasy I keep having over and over is about diving off a building? I don't mean committing suicide as much as I mean just wondering what it'd feel like to live without any inhibitions.
I'm not unhappy. But I'm not happy either. I'm just numb.
++++
I just step backed from this post, and it might be kind of an alarming subject matter, but I feel a little more relaxed after typing it out. I was thinking of deleting this, but I'm gonna leave it up. This might be the kind of thing I should do more often.
And if you read this, please. I don't feel like talking about it.
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